Yeah. I’ve been gone a while. Guess I hit a mental block. But also I’m at the point in my story where I have to decide really how much I want to divulge. I mean, there’s a lot. I was a pretty shitty human being for a while. I did things to myself and to others that are pretty fucking disgusting. I also don’t want to vomit my story all over people.
So…. I’ll start where I went wrong…Again.
I had taken classes to become a CNA and was working in the skilled nursing unit at Memorial Hospital, when my friend introduced me to her boyfriend. *I’m going to exclude details about her because I’ve already done enough damage to her.*
He had dark hair, blue eyes and could sing (which twitterpated me). They both needed a place to stay, so I let them move in with Hunter and I. I did this knowing they both were on drugs. And not just pot. But THE METHS (thank you Michelle and Parker). And not just smoking it but slamming it, which was a whole new level for me. I hadn’t starting using at this point and I honestly don’t remember when I did but I remember when I allowed the drugs in, and thinking to myself “Self, you should tell them to get the fuck out of your house!” But I was like “Nah….It’s cool bro.”
Soon my friend and her boyfriend started fighting, horribly. And I had had enough of her (notice I said her) shit and kicked her out. Her. Not them. Not him. Her. Because I wanted this hot blue eyed guy all to myself. That’s what friends do. They justify their reasoning for wanting a girl’s guy, and takes him.
Did I tell you I was a piece of shit??
And that, my friends, is how I met my future ex-husband and my two youngest kids father.
I used to not give two shits about people’s feelings. I think this is because it was easier to treat people bad before they treated me bad. DEFENSE MECHANISM!!! But this doesn’t excuse my actions. Regardless of how I thought I felt about my friend, she didn’t deserve that.
Some years later, I did find her on Facebook and apologize for my actions. She ripped me a new one and made it clear she didn’t want anything to do with me.
I think that the reason I work so hard now to do good is that I’m making up for my past mistakes. But I’m learning that I don’t have to keep killing myself over my mistakes nor to I have to keep busting my ass to fix it.
That’s some personal growth for y’all!!!